What's Really Wrong with Me

Midwesterners are really big on passive-aggressive.  Zaz has pointed this out to me in the past and I notice it more and more as I exist in this bipolar tundra.  It’s usually out-of-staters or just misfits in general who aren’t in on the societal norms of "Minnesota nice."  It’s the kind of shit where people will smile to your face and say something insulting thinly veiled as a neutral observation.  If it weren’t so infuriating, it might be kind of impressive. It’s bullshit.  Man, or woman up and say it with directness if you’ve got something to say, and then don’t backpeddle when you get called on it.  Confrontation produces results, it produces dialogue.  Or maybe Minnesota society would be better if more people got in fistfights like it’s St. Patty’s Day in Dublin.  Either way, Minnesota nice is annoying and I’m no longer accepting it as a valid form of social interaction.  I got some haters riled up on a thread over at More with Morken this past week, throwing Minnesota nice right out the window, and found it quite therapeutic.  In fact, after a date with an old sock, followed by a walk with the dogs down by the flooding Red River this morning, I feel quite Zen-like today.  Too bad I can’t say the same for my roommate’s sister, who is freaking out at the dogs for lapping their water dish too close to her Ug boots.  Peace. 

I may as well blog today.  It’s my 31st birthday and I’m supervising art classes all day, which doesn’t require much of me, therefore I have a topic to start with and enough time to come up with something relevant.  

My quest for improved emotional health is ongoing, though my birthday week has seen an increase in alcohol intake as well as my falling face-first off the non-smoking wagon.  I’ve heard about the one-month relapse from other smokers and former smokers a handful of times before, but still couldn’t foresee the returned craving.  There’s two phases to overcoming addictions, the physical and mental phases.  My own physical smoking addiction is not the problem.  I don’t have to fight the nicotine craving my friends suffer.  My challenge is that I’m used to living with crutches and pacifiers, and cigs provide both.  I’ll be back on the wagon after this birthday weekend, during which there will be far too much alcohol consumption to attempt it before then.  

Speaking of boozin’, I have a friend of the fairer sex who just recently turned 21, and hasn’t missed a night at the bar since.  There was a point when I was forced to physically spare her from tipping over and taking out the chili table set up for a benefit in the VFW Sunday night.  It was funny, but it wasn’t at the same time.  The 21 milestone is an exciting time, to be sure… but it shouldn’t be.  Ridiculous babysitting culture that we are, it strikes many as acceptable that we don’t allow people to drink legally until they reach this arbitrary age.  My friend already had a drinking problem before she turned, now it’s all over.  I don’t wanna be pessimistic, but the reality is the reality.  The thing about turning 21 is that it’s kinda cute for a while: "aaaawww, look at the youngin’ gettin’ shitfaced in public, how adorable", quickly becomes "oh look, it’s her… shitfaced again, what a surprise." The shitty thing is I want to suggest to some people that they should stop for a while and take stock of their behavior, but then they would call me a hypocrite because I’m looking forward to a brandy.  It would be of no use to point out that I can have my brandy and not act the fool, which is the big difference.  Denial makes people get offended when you point out things that should be obvious.

Another thing that’s obvious, the government is representative of a selfish, idiotic, American public in denial.  People want everything fixed immediately, like society is nothing but a leaking sink, yet not a person out there is willing to sacrifice anything of their "own".  Whether it’s an increase in taxes or discontinuing funding for something, everybody wants to get up in arms.  This leads to a situation where no politician will tell the hard truth, unless they’re not running for re-election, as witnessed this week with Senator Jim Bunning’s one-man filibuster of a bill extending unemployment insurance, among other things.  Ironically enough, I was sitting in the IRS tax assistance office when I first saw CNN report on his actions.  The older guy next to me seemed supportive of his stand, and informed that "the country’s in trouble."  "That much is obvious." was my uncharacteristically blunt reply.  

I am getting annoyed with people and their "rock-solid" political perspectives.  Everyone thinks they know what the fuck they’re talking about so much so that they are willing to join and start groups that claim their same perspective, and make a noise like they’re the only ones who really know what the malfunction is, and if we all just listened to them, everything will work out.  Of course, freedom of assembly is a beautiful thing, and many people genuinely have their version of "what’s best for the country" in mind, but I’m honestly troubled by the development of radical politics combined with weapons.  Obviously, this group of idiots is going to be made up of right-wing reactionaries with unstable personalities and serious emotional issues.  I may think our government is evil but you won’t see me waving a gun around in response.  I’m inclined to believe many conspiracy theories out there, but I also understand that violence never solved anything.  What will solve things is an attitude combining patience, open-mindedness, research, and civility.  The problem is these qualities are not present in most people due to their extreme denial.    

It would be nice if, during my thirties, I could witness a lot more people coming to terms with their challenges and then overcoming them.  This development would allow for a real possibility of drastic, positive change, rather than the usual "one step forward, two steps back" that is the current reality.

Even idiots and sheeple can find philosophy and ideology interesting.  Policy, on the other hand, not so much.  Today’s Health Care Reform(HCR) summit is pretty close to the perfect example of how uninteresting a republican form of government really is.  Quick social studies lesson: the term "republican" here refers to our system of government, the title comes from 

Hello readers.  Once again, it’s been a while.  While my being absent from the blogosphere is nothing new, this time I’ve been absent while with a mission in mind.

My last post was a challenge to myself, more or less: stop wallowing in pessimism and self-pity, no one else is going to help you feel any better.  If you don’t do it yourself you’re looking forward to continuing unhappiness and an overwhelming sense of impotence.  This was my mission in mind.

The verdict, at this point, is that it’s been going well.  I’ve become noticeably more conscious of my general mood, and its regular swings.  If I get pissed at people in traffic, I remind myself that I’m just feeding into the anger, and it has become surprisingly easy to just let the anger go and have my blood pressure return to normal.

Speaking of blood pressure, and health in general, a major step forward has been my decision to be a non-smoker(of cigarettes).  I realized that smoking had probably become my greatest emotional nemesis.  Cigarettes are a crutch, a pacifier.  I would never stamp on anyone else’s right to do with their body, or their property, as they please.  Most of my pals are smokers and I’m glad they’re still able to enjoy their own rights.  I simply realized that in my situation, I have basically been utilizing smokes as an emotional crutch, and if I am really going to confront this issue, smoking had to go.  As far as smoking the other stuff… I find it quite helpful from time to time.  I have to admit however, that smoking it every day can have some negative side effects as well, though if you’re a cancer patient in this part of the country, you should be mad as hell our respective governments won’t let you smoke the pharmaceutical chronic!  Ah, politics, they can be a problem when it comes to emotional stability. 

If some political event gets me worked up, I remind myself that it’s all pretty much equally ridiculous, though the conservative right in this region of the country have a way of just spewing their ignorance and hypocrisy that makes me cringe.  It’s not so much their fiscal ideologies that bother me as the racist, sexist, homophobic and all around bible-thumping basis for all of their social ideologies, but I digress.  The point is discrimination and bigotry are overwhelming stressors for me.  It’s been that way my life and I’m not inclined to push righteous indignation out of my mind along with unnecessary anger, but I do know there’s a right and wrong way to deal with everything, and I believe that’s where my challenge lies in this case.  There’s some ignorant shit out there you can’t just laugh off, but that doesn’t mean you have to let it drag you down either.

On the opposite side of the emotional spectrum from anger is lust.  This has proven to bring me down repeatedly throughout my adult life.  I think the Tiger Woods annoyance has proven one thing undoubtedly: nothing catches peoples attention quite like some illicit coitus.  If he would have turned out to be a pot head, nobody bats an eye.  A heroin junky, maybe a little more headline worthy, but not very likely given the nature of his profession.  The best thing to come out of that whole mess was his mention of Buddhism’s teachings on lust.  When we look to things outside of ourselves for satisfaction, we are really looking for a false security.  I agreed wholeheartedly with that statement.  If two people care about each other and want to express that sexually, there is a healthy aspect to that.  But it’s different if you’re out looking to release stress and feel better through drunken, sad sex(trust me, I’m speaking from experience here).  You’re barking up the wrong tree, it’s only going to create more stress in the end.

Well, all in all I’m enjoying my newfound mission.  Like I said in my last post: the hardest part is getting started.  I can honestly say it hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be.  And again, this is my own story.  I’m not suggesting everyone stop smoking, or having sad sex, or even talking politics.  I’m saying that in my situation it’s worked, but the key was that I started paying attention, all the rest is just a result.

Well into winter and the accompanying seasonal affective disorder, I’ve found myself pushed to the point of questioning my lifestyle.  My last post shared a similar tone, basically something’s gotta change.  My personality does not do well in ruts, I get bored with repetition of any kind.  I’m convinced the only reason I’m not a drunk is that I found it to be a purely repetitional lifestyle, and actually quite boring: Wake up, feel like shit, start drinking, get that buzz on and forget you felt like shit, get really drunk, chain smoke, scream laugh, eventually pass out, wake up… repeat.

In between work and sleep I admit I’ve spent quite a bit of time in front of the ol’ idiot box this past week.  There were sitcom re-runs, newscasts, feature films and football playoffs.  A mixture of circumstances led to my couch potato existence, starting with the frigid weather and adding the possibility of an extensive car repair bill I can’t afford which is, of course, because I have few funds.  So it wasn’t like I could drive all over town eating out, shopping and hitting the bars, just not a reality.  Besides, how much fun would that be anyway? Not much.  To the recliner it was. 

It didn’t take long to realize that PBS, locally Prairie Public, is the best channel available over the free airwaves.  First and foremost, there’s no obnoxious advertisements.  That fact alone makes it the best.  The programming is educational and thought-provoking, actually requiring an attention span.  I think many people have difficulty watching it for that reason.  Prairie Public is great because you can check in at any time of day and you never know what quality stuff will be on. I hold an incredibly erratic sleeping schedule, so there are times when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning and find myself unable to go back to sleep.  It’s times like this when I’ve come across some great features while the rest of the channels only have infomercials.  There was one specific show on recently that provided me with something to think about while scrubbing toilets over the weekend; This Emotional Life, a show which asks questions about all the different aspects of human emotions and how we experience them.

Television doesn’t usually convict me or even cause me to contemplate anything at all.  Usually I just sit there and then get angry when the ads come on.  This show actually made me realize how much attention I don’t give to my emotional health.  Anyone who watches the video can tell that they are making a point not only of presenting a logical argument as to why emotions are important, they let you hear real stories and perspectives of emotional struggles which we can all relate to.  They interview doctors, scientists and other experts, but you also get to hear from celebrities and everyday people.  I mean, when you see Chevy Chase talking about how he’s been depressed for years, it really puts things in perspective.  Here we have a comedy legend talking about not being able to enjoy life, so maybe it isn’t so rare or strange to feel that way.

For me it really cemented what I’ve been avoiding for some time, and that is my glaring hypocrisy.  It’s right in the title of this blog.  I’m not looking for, or trying to understand what’s wrong with me, I’m avoiding it.  I’m pointing out my thoughts and things that bother me, along with other random bits.  I don’t go anywhere near my obvious pessimism and negative outlook, or the fact that I rarely enjoy life or get any happiness out of it.  It doesn’t make sense for me to feel this way and for most of my life I have consciously avoiding thinking about it.  The only reason I would do that is laziness.  As one of the show’s interviewees pointed out: "It’s easy to be miserable, happiness takes work."  I may not be severely depressed, but that fact shouldn’t be an excuse for me to not put any effort into finding the good in each day.  I spent some time on the website looking at information on the different personality disorders, if not to self-diagnose, at least to ponder the different symptoms in order to open my mind to the possibility that I have a messed up perspective of my personal interactions.  This is an example of putting effort into my emotional health, and it was a good start.

In anything you do, the hardest part is getting started.  After that, each step seems like less and less of a big deal.  One thing I took from the show was that actively taking on one’s emotional health is something that can seem daunting in the beginning, but becomes simpler with time.  It’s also something we don’t do alone.  One of the main points in the series was that we are social creatures, and being part of something with others is a huge boost to our emotional health.  Friends and loved ones are a source of happiness for you and me, as we are a source of happiness for them.  Even pets are a big help.  My life would be less enjoyable if I weren’t currently living with two dogs, they make it more enjoyable to come home each day.

So maybe I’ve realized what is really wrong with me… laziness.  I choose to be miserable more often than I choose to enjoy what’s available for enjoyment.  This has become comfortable for me, not in the sense of true comfort, but in the sense it is what I’m used to.  This also manifests itself in poor decision-making.  Poor decisions lead to guilt which brings me further down and keeps me unhappy.  The bottom line is the shit’s getting old.  It’s getting to the point where my laziness has become more stressful than anything else.  I’d rather put effort into feeling better than spare the effort and feel more and more like shit each day until I die.  It won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. 

With the weather conditions such as they are I’ve been spending much more time in front of the tele lately. I’ve decided the only channel worth watching anymore is PBS.  The programming is thought-provoking and you don’t get the obnoxious advertisements.  The last two nights public television has both convicted and inspired me with its prime time series This Emotional Life.  

The thing is, the title of this blog pretty much points to the fact that I am a huge hypocrite.  I claim to be blogging in an effort to discover what’s really wrong with me, but all I do is contemplate what’s really wrong with everything and everybody else.  The biggest thing that’s wrong with me is the thing I most avoid thinking about.  I can point to flaws in society but how hard can that really be.  I may be performing a valuable service by pointing out methods of psychological control, but what is it that controls me, and why don’t I spend more time thinking about that?  The reason is I’m addicted to what’s wrong with me, I’m used to it, and therefore comfortable with it, so thinking about it might cause me discomfort, so I avoid it. What’s wrong with me is Depression and it makes my life less enjoyable.

The series itself isn’t solely about depression, but it is the main emotional disease, and therefore takes up the most focus.

So the day I blog about how fearful we are, look what happens!  Any of you peaceniks out there who were living under the delusion that the election of a democratic president would mean an end to divisive fear-mongering and militaristic policy should, by now, be waking up to reality.  It was never about republicans or christianity.  Hell, it was never even about America!  It’s about "haves" and "have nots." 

The developing world, you see, is where a large percentage of the "have nots" live.  They’re the ones who are malnourished and hobbled from a lack of, well, pretty much everything human beings need to live any kind of life at all.  They have no decent food, clean water or health care.  Instead of going to school as children, they’re sent to work in the factories or on the streets.  Many are brought up in a environment of ignorance, where they are taught that there is a (male) deity who expects certain behaviors and beliefs from them, and in return they will receive just blessings from this deity… after they die of course.  Then they are approached by respectable looking men who offer them food and a place to stay if they follow the call of their deity, of which these men are definitely chosen to know.  The call is obviouly for them to go kill those gluttonous, soulless consumers of western society, because their society is totally different and therefore completely evil.  The starving wretch from the developing world will easily believe this to be true, since his life is so horrible these westerners muct be leading much different, much happier lives at his expense.  It is no stretch to convince him that the deity wishes these evil people destroyed for the good of his god-fearing people, as well as that of the planet the deity created.

Here’s the thing you numbnut westerners need to understand.  The deity the guy believes in, his geographic location of residence… doesn’t matter.  It’s the hatred of the "haves" that matters.  To him, it doesn’t make any difference what you believe or how much you identify with him as a human being.  To him, you are just another part of the problem.  The reason I’m pointing this out is to warn you that psychos like these are just ordinary people.  They’re ordinary people that look at the world around them and want to blame somebody for it.  They have nothing, and therefore nothing to lose.  You can declare war on majority muslim states like its a game of risk and you won’t stop this, you’ll only make it worse.  Waving your effin’ flag on the front porch and standing for the pledge aren’t going to change anything except to make my life more miserable.  If you want to make a difference, don’t support more militarism and security measures, protest consumerism, because that’s what he hates enough to kill you for!

The reason my rant is more important then you think it is: Take a closer look at the second paragraph.  How much of my description of developing countries applies equally to most parts of ours?  Lack of access to health care, anyone?  Our tap water isn’t exactly clean, I won’t drink it.  I know I can barely afford to feed myself anymore.  And growing up in an environment of ignorance, controlled by an imaginary deity, uh-huh.  The biggest difference is that here children go to school.  The employees in that little school building, of which I am one, could some day be the reason you don’t have to worry about a car bomb in downtown Fargo.  When people are starving and looking around them seeing nothing but suffering, while at the same time watching tele commercials for big dick pills and weight loss/excersize machines, sooner or later they’re going to lose it and blow some shit up. 

What we need now is a radical paradigm shift.  This consumeristic bullshit, this disgusting fixation on wealth and glamour has no use to human society.  Possessions are meaningless, people have meaning.  If money is going to be the mode of exchange, put it toward things that will make a meaningful difference to actual people.  Give people health care.  Subsidize organic and natural foods, instead of massive factory farms.  Subsidize education and allow teachers some freedom to teach children like human beings and not worker drones.  Finally, get the Flouride out of my water!  Now I’m gonna go smoke and let you decide who the crazy one is.

Of the annual soltice holiday season, the two days I appreciate the most are Boxing Day and New Year’s Day.  Those are the days where you wake up without the apprehension, excitement, or the dread that often accompany the two days directly preceding them.  There’s nothing specific to look ahead to.  It’s your time to wake up and decide just what you’re going to do, and not concern yourself with the expectations of others.  This is what every day should be.  What kind of world would it be if that were the case?  These are the questions we should ask ourselves on days like today and a week from today.

My first decision on this day was to bundle up and go for a walk out in my old man’s woods.  There’s particular spot of great personal significance that I visit when I need to focus on my thoughts.  The winter is an opportune season to separate yourself from others and take a lonely walk in the woods.  The frigid temps combined with snowfall allow your mind and heart to make a quicker connection with the reality of death.  Death is important to all of us.  In order to truly find your inner strength, you really need to embrace death.  It’s something we will all experience, both our own and that of others.  Hearing very few sounds and watching thick snowflakes landing on the leafless trees helped me reconnect with the reality that my existence will end in a relatively quick amount of time.  Nature will continue on, evolving, creating, destroying.  I won’t be here to observe it much longer than a sliver’s worth of the vast sequoya that is time and space.  This is pure reality, and needs no emotions attached to it. 

Through my own experience I’ve learned that people are only sad at the passing of a loved one because their existence is now more difficult without that person.  If they were still there you would hardly give it a moment’s thought and continue concerning yourself with whatever emotional addiction is consuming you at that moment.  That last sentence was somewhat bitter, but unfortunately very true more often than not.  Our addictions keep us mired in the mundane and disconnected from the meaningful.  We are mostly afraid to embrace death and thus free the limitless spiritual and psychic powers we all possess.  Having grown up raising sheep I really do see the uncanny similarity bewtween sheep and humans when it comes to social behavior based mostly on terror.  Humans are very scared.  Oh, of course there are those who hide their fears with bravado and middle fingers, acting out the "tough guy/tough chick" veneer, but those people are often the most afraid.  The toughest peolpe I know readily admit their fears, and by doing so thus take the power of that fear away.

Society and the corporate rulers use this fear against us in every way possible.  Try forgetting for a minute that you are completely conditioned to not throw the tele or laptop out the window when bombarded by advertisements.  Take the ad apart and look at what symbolism and archetypes they’re utilizing.  Notice what emotional weaknesses they’re shamelessly exploiting.  "Am I thin enough, attractive enough, do I wear the right clothes, am I shopping at the right store, do I own enough crap, etc."  In this fashion they are not only prodding you to consume and purchase, but also to fear for your worth as a human being.  They want you to believe that if you’re not playing the game, you’re not worth anything.  This is psychological manipulation and it is the cornerstone of post modern society.  The more society fixates on the meaningless, the less the rulers have to worry about meaningful change occurring. 

As much as it is in my power on a day-by-day basis, I choose to make my interactions meaningful.  Most are too far gone to appreciate it, but that isn’t up to me.  I know that I will die relatively soon in the scope of things, and therefore I treat everyone with love and respect while I’m alive.  Sometimes this means tough love and telling a friend with a personal challenge someting they don’t want to hear.  Sometimes it means walking away from a stranger, or even a friend who is too drunk to communicate with on a meaningful level.  Not every experience is going to be a pleasant one, but it is what we are confronted with, and we must play the cards we are dealt.

So wake up tomorrow and make your own decisions.  Decide that whatever it is you choose to do, you will make it meaningful.  See if you can separate yourself from material wants and desires in order to focus on emanating love and respect to your surroundings.  Try creating something that will affect others to create as well.  But remember it is equally important that you find enjoyment, and not distraction, in what you do. 

The holiday season is